Saturday, May 31, 2008

Confirmed: Barry Zito's Fastball Defies Gravity

The San Francisco Giants Barry Zito, who will earn roughly a million dollars in the time it would take him to read this entry (and he's a fast reader), has shown the world of sports and science something spectacular:

He can grip a baseball in four different places by the seams, and with the force of a violent, unnatural shoulder whip and release, can throw the ball hard enough that it defies both gravity and any occurring wind effects to strike the catcher's glove in a relatively timely fashion over 60 feet away.

Stanford and M.I.T. physicists and mathematicians are furiously determining whether the feat shown by Zito was in fact, even possible, having seen bundles of evidence to the contrary in all of Zito's April starts.

The idea that this throw could be controlled to land in a roughly specific location about 2 feet by 1 foot seems to be science fiction - repeated viewing of the Zito tapes would incidate this to indeed be an impossible fallacy.

Three If By Hardwood

After nearly 350 years, a Beantown sports team finally succeeded enough to have a shot at a title.

The Celtics have ended Boston's long nightmare of no-title-game shame by earning a berth in the NBA Finals.

Boston, a quaint New-England township of modest means and even more modest citizens, has long struggled for success in many areas, including Independence, cultural relevance, influential citizens, interesting accents, and not being New Amsterdam.

Those struggles have never been more palpable than in team athletic activities. While some claim that this charming coastal trade village has given birth to these sporting events, getting to the title game has alluded all of them.

Youklis' Beard, a combination pub and privateering outfitter, was filled with locals that have suffered with their teams on the night of the Celtics new-found success.

Remembering his town's shame, the barkeep offered, "the Red Stockings are bad enough, but those pig-pisser-tossin' Patriots couldn't buy a win if the King ordered it stationed in their houses!"

Needless to say, Boston and her success-starved citizens have been waiting for an excruciatingly long time for a title game. The same barkeep echoed what many around here have been feeling, "It was a curse I tell ya! We should've never let [Paul] Revere go to Lexington. Nothing good has come since."

A fitting end to the centuries-old drought, the township's least successful team (The Legendarily Bad Boston Celtics) will be the one that gets to finally hang the title game lanterns aloft.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Pujols Feels Bad For Pitcher's Face, OBPA

"I wish it would have gone somewhere else ... instead of hitting somebody in the face," Albert Pujols confessed Friday, after planting a line drive on Chris Young's nose last Wednesday night.

Seeing the blood spurt from Young's face left Pujols badly shaken, and he couldn't get on base for the rest of the night in good conscience. The remarkably gritty first baseman acknowledged that his OBP had been a downright-insulting .479 for the season.

"I know I've been pretty insensitive to pitchers for much of my career," a regretful Pujols admitted. He currently ranks as the third-best right hander of all time for OBP (minimum 3000 PA) and resides in the top twenty of all time for batters on both sides of the plate, somewhere between Babe Ruth and Mickey Mantle.

Even more insulting to pitchers everywhere is Pujols' career slugging percentage (.619) that ranks only behind three of the greatest hitters of all time: Babe Ruth, Ted Williams, and Lou Gehrig.

For one night, he couldn't bring himself to add insult to injury. "It's one thing to mess up his grill, but another thing entirely to rub his OBPA in his face."

Almost a week later, Albert is still suffering from the shock of exploding his opposing pitcher's face and has lost a full .005 off of his OBP. This brings his season OBP down to .474.

[ed: Young's OBPA currently .338]

Monday, May 26, 2008

Archaeologists Unearth Ongoing Reds-Padres Game

Scientists conducting experiments on the site formerly known as San Diego discovered that the May 25, 2008 baseball game between the Cincinnati Reds and the San Diego Padres, well known as a geologic period in Earth's history, was in fact, still occurring.

"We just decided to go check out the dusty remains of Petco Park, and lo and behold, Dusty Baker was still there double switching," reported dig foreman John Lyman. "We didn't think it was possible, but apparently they just established this baseball game as some sort of underground self-sustaining city, living on well preserved hot dogs and non dairy frosty malts for the last several generations."

The remnants of a decaying musty scorecard indicated that at last count, Corey Patterson had gone roughly 0 for 880 with 390 strikeouts and no walks.

Bud Selig: Accusations of Necromancy Premature

"Allegations of necromancy, raising the dead, and alternate forms of corpse-reanimation are all unacceptable in Major League Baseball and will not be tolerated," Bud Selig said in a hastily presented press conference Monday.

"But all current allegations are simply rumor and must be considered hearsay until a full investigation has been completed."

Barely a week since the MLBPA ratified a tougher drug agreement, these new allegations couldn't have come at a worse time.

Rumors surfaced early last week when previously assumed-dead Gary Sheffield was spotted batting third in the Tiger's lineup. It is still unconfirmed whether or not Sheffield (1968-2007) will be credited with two hits and three RBI in Detroit's offensive explosion last week.

Detroit Manager Jim Leyland is at the heart of the controversy. While many acknowledge that Leyland clearly worked some magic with his 2006 Tiger club, rumblings of necromancy -- the dark art of raising the dead -- were usually kept to back alley White Sox blog conspiracy-theorists and World of Warcraft players.

Sheffield takes a 1-2 pitch earlier this year.

"What he did with Kenny [Rogers] was amazing," a Troy-area WoW gamer and anonymous MLB-blogger said in a phone interview conducted Saturday, referencing the almost-dead pitcher who had so much success last year.

"But this thing with Sheff' is just weird. I've seen it [necromancy] myself a few times while playing WoW, so I know it when I see it; there's no way that guy isn't dead."

The MLBPA was unavailable for comment, but one former player acknowledged in an off-the-record interview that, "this shit's been going on forever, man. First they take away our juice, and now they're taking away our Necro."

"What's next on their list, the DH?"