Bud Selig: Accusations of Necromancy Premature

"Allegations of necromancy, raising the dead, and alternate forms of corpse-reanimation are all unacceptable in Major League Baseball and will not be tolerated," Bud Selig said in a hastily presented press conference Monday.

"But all current allegations are simply rumor and must be considered hearsay until a full investigation has been completed."

Barely a week since the MLBPA ratified a tougher drug agreement, these new allegations couldn't have come at a worse time.

Rumors surfaced early last week when previously assumed-dead Gary Sheffield was spotted batting third in the Tiger's lineup. It is still unconfirmed whether or not Sheffield (1968-2007) will be credited with two hits and three RBI in Detroit's offensive explosion last week.

Detroit Manager Jim Leyland is at the heart of the controversy. While many acknowledge that Leyland clearly worked some magic with his 2006 Tiger club, rumblings of necromancy -- the dark art of raising the dead -- were usually kept to back alley White Sox blog conspiracy-theorists and World of Warcraft players.

Sheffield takes a 1-2 pitch earlier this year.

"What he did with Kenny [Rogers] was amazing," a Troy-area WoW gamer and anonymous MLB-blogger said in a phone interview conducted Saturday, referencing the almost-dead pitcher who had so much success last year.

"But this thing with Sheff' is just weird. I've seen it [necromancy] myself a few times while playing WoW, so I know it when I see it; there's no way that guy isn't dead."

The MLBPA was unavailable for comment, but one former player acknowledged in an off-the-record interview that, "this shit's been going on forever, man. First they take away our juice, and now they're taking away our Necro."

"What's next on their list, the DH?"