Thursday, June 5, 2008

Rejected Headlines, 1st Week of June, 2008

2Pac|man Allowed 2 Practice (or) Pacman Hits Field, Hookers
Why it didn't make it: Who would want to insult the ghost of 2pac? We were thinking of going with a story about Pacman Jones scaring his team and his posse playing in Dallas as the linebacking core, but we weren't real sure how much we could stretch out the over-done Pacman-is-an-idiot jokes. Just in case we weren't clear: Adam Jones is an idiot.

Tupac Shakur interview with Arsenio Hall 1994
Pacman Hits Field, TO gets Deal

Irrelevant Northern-Only Sport Observing Championship
Why it didn't make it: First of all, only two of you would have actually got it, and those two of you would have been further alienated by our no-hockey policy. What I'd like to know is how this sport is surviving with half the audience of the Outdoor Channel's "American Rifleman" but with none of an actual relevant sports viewing audience: the lower 48. Btw, Detroit won it, for the bazillionth time.

Wingin it: Detroit Wins it All
Hockey Fans, Protectors of the Wilderness

Travis Henry Cut, Not His Vasa Deferentia
Why it didn't make it: Do you guys even know what a Vasa Deferentia is? I had to google image just to be sure and I would advise against it. And not that we think we're better than that, but when Maurice Clarrett looks like a better pickup for the Broncos than this dipstick, there has to be a better story than the worn out busted condom jokes.

Bonds Can't Find Anything on TV, Media Actually At Fault This Time
Why it didn't make it: What else needs to be said? We could paint a nice picture for you, him sitting on the couch, coming down from a fresh 'roid rage, looking for a nice episode of What Not to Wear, and maybe we could photoshop his size-22 dome and how it might be effecting the TV signal, but none of this would bring anything new to the table that the headline wouldn't already.

Notes to our audience:
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If we haven't offended you at least once since you started reading our site, keep coming back. We'll find a way.


Tuesday, June 3, 2008

With New Contract, Owens Unsure How to Alienate Team

Now that Terrell Owens has his dream contract, he knows he had better start alienating his team mates, the coaching staff, ownership, and the Dallas Cowboy fanbase or he might tarnish his legacy.

"It's a really exciting time," Owens breathlessly admitted while looking over his Locker Room Cancer Handbook.

He doesn't think his current feel-good status with his teammates, initiated by his stumping for Romo in a well-acted fit of tears last season, is fair.

"Now that I have my contract, I can really focus on alienating the entire organization one step at a time. They're really trying to pin me down as this team-first guy, and I can't let my fans down."

For Owens, former Eagle and 49er, that's the problem. "I'm not sure where to start honestly. You think I should target Tony [Romo]? That Jessica thing is kinda boring, and I certainly can't call him a 'duck' like I did with Garcia."

How about Coach Phillips? "That's a possiblity, but we'd have to be losing to maximize my efforts of alienation." He closed his handbook, now with a full plan in mind.

"Though it's only a matter of time before he remembers that he's Wade Phillips."

Monday, June 2, 2008

Dolphin's Taylor Wants Trade, Networks Line Up in Anticipation

Upset that Bill Parcels doesn't understand his need to express himself or the want to not show up to OTAs, Jason Taylor has politely asked to be traded.

It's unclear what Miami would be able to get for him. FOX, home of So You Think You Can Dance, has expressed interest, but doesn't seem keen on dealing H.O.U.S.E star Hugh Laurie, who would make a serious run at contention for starting quarterback under Parcells.

And according to a FOX insider, they wouldn't even consider dealing Family Guy for the Miami Defensive end.

"No way that's in the cards [a Taylor for FamilyGuy trade]. It's our last show with any real value outside of American Idol, and God knows what we'll do when that and our aging cartoons finally retire."

Other networks have issued back-channel calls to the team, including MTV (home of DanceLife) which might include a trade for the entire crew of the struggling TRL, and CBS, which is interested in dealing Regis Philbin with the intent of building a new show around Taylor, Million Dollar Dancer.

"They'd get a decent starting running back, which they need, and we'd have a nice piece to build around with Jason."

Through it all, Jason is happy that there is interest but that won't end the feeling of rejection from Miami. "It's pretty upsetting not to be appreciated by your team," Taylor said while pouring over tapes of his almost-perfected Tango.

"I thought they would love me for who I am."

Ozzie Guillen: WTF

Ozzie Guillen noticed the White Sox were having some troubles with probability math regarding runners in scoring position.

He then sensibly decided that it was because Orlando Cabrera only plays the game professionally to the best of his near perfectly league average ability and then tries to beat the traffic:

Guillen hopes Cabrera, teammates bond more

Surprisingly, one day after Cabrera's failing grade on the "Doesn't Play Well With Others" section of his report card, the White Sox had not emerged on a white lightning 40 game winning streak, instead, going out and losing a baseball game to a team with a 33-22 record on the road.

Ozzie knows something that you don't:

The teams that bond with each other go 162-0. And he knew well enough that post chatter, his team had a .000 winning percentage. In an incredibly predictable postgame tirade, he promised some shakeups, and assumedly some mathematically shaky (not even shaky, actually, down right idiotic) baseball moves.

In other words, Ozzie Guillen is continuing to manage in the Major Leagues. (The vagueness of his threats indicates to me that he hasn't the slightest clue what he's going to do, but will instead feel the lineup from his gut in the next few days.

I hope that what supernatural insight he is gleaning will not be misinterpreted and actually be the mall food court Chinese he had telling him to down some pink bismuth. Treating multi-million dollar payrolls with the same level of forethought that one usually reserves for insomnia television viewing choices would terrify me if I were a Sox fan, and outrage me if I were their owner. Just saying.)

Guillen and his thoughts on As Seen On TV! Payroll Management

If Guillen knew more of computers than their ability to be used as blunt objects, he would know that his very expensive, aging team is actually vastly overperforming (well, technically a lot of that is the Indians and Tigers underperforming, but whatever). PECOTA isn't perfect, but it's good, and it had the White Sox at 78-84.

Jose Contreras has a 2.89 ERA despite allowing on average around 10 baserunners/9, and is only striking out about 5.5. And in case you are not familiar with the gentleman, he's very old. And had a nasty slide in production last year. Currently he's at about 95th percentile projections, and while that's not impossible (5 percent is a real number, after all), it's very unlikely (95 percent is also a real number, and a much larger one).

Offensively, Carlos Quentin is blowing up projections, but the more troubling numbers are there: Paul Konerko's current state is pretty close to where he should be. Jermaine Dye probably won't stay where he is. There is plenty of cause to show that Nick Swisher is vastly below expectations and should get better, but this is a lineup full of low OBP question marks that Ozzie will eventually bat #2 because he likes the cut of their jib.

Jose Contreras will regress to the mean this year.

I'm waiting for the real fun. When the Detroit pitching regresses back to even reasonable levels and the Indians' hitting fulfills even a fraction of it's healthy lineup. When John Danks goes through some struggles that bring him back to Earth a bit. When Jermaine Dye gets hurt or Quentin isn't on a pace to hit 42 HR anymore. When the White Sox become mired deep into 3rd place, and Ozzie starts demanding that Orlando Cabrera now sleep over at Joe Crede's house during losing streaks and threatens to set fire to reporters. Then the end of the season, when Ozzie Guillen is himself sleeping at Joe Crede's house and forcing all his players to wear the dirty socks of their last victory, and actually begins openly weeping and ranting in a fictional language.

Better send Thome to the Adam Dunn school of sacrifice bunting soon. This is going to be an interesting summer.