With New Contract, Owens Unsure How to Alienate Team

Now that Terrell Owens has his dream contract, he knows he had better start alienating his team mates, the coaching staff, ownership, and the Dallas Cowboy fanbase or he might tarnish his legacy.

"It's a really exciting time," Owens breathlessly admitted while looking over his Locker Room Cancer Handbook.

He doesn't think his current feel-good status with his teammates, initiated by his stumping for Romo in a well-acted fit of tears last season, is fair.

"Now that I have my contract, I can really focus on alienating the entire organization one step at a time. They're really trying to pin me down as this team-first guy, and I can't let my fans down."

For Owens, former Eagle and 49er, that's the problem. "I'm not sure where to start honestly. You think I should target Tony [Romo]? That Jessica thing is kinda boring, and I certainly can't call him a 'duck' like I did with Garcia."

How about Coach Phillips? "That's a possiblity, but we'd have to be losing to maximize my efforts of alienation." He closed his handbook, now with a full plan in mind.

"Though it's only a matter of time before he remembers that he's Wade Phillips."