Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Junior: Homers, Speaks English, Doesn't Hate America

Receiving a warm standing ovation from literally hundreds of fans at Dolphin Stadium in Miami, Ken Griffey Jr. has moved into the arbitrary record book by hitting home run number 600.

Griffey was ecstatic to finally achieve a milestone the public had noticed for literally 2 weeks. "You know, the ball doesn't carry very well when it's weighed down with the expectations of millions of steroid weary fans. It really has a tendency to die in right-center."

After the historic milestone, fans everywhere viewing television were entreated to see Griffey speaking English, not hating America, not clubbing baby seals, not selling drugs to kids, not pushing old people down into mud puddles, not sporting an Iron Cross, not holding up convenience stores, not requesting that underage girls urinate on him, and occasionally even smiling.

"This is great," the national hero by virtue of skill at baseball and being likable and close to the same size as he was in his early 20s said. "I feel like I'm on top of the world."

Griffey then pumped his fist in celebration, then clutched his arm in pain as he tore his rotator cuff. He is expected to miss 2-3 months.

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