Saturday, May 17, 2008

Sources: Confirmation of Paul Konerko's Rumored Mobility

We have news this week from the U.S. Geological Survey that confirms that on the evening of Wednesday, May 14th in Anaheim, California, formerly assumed static body Paul Konerko of the Chicago White Sox moved an estimated 90 feet from his previously recorded marker point, roughly the 1st base bag at Angels Stadium.

"This is an amazing discovery of epic proportions," stated Dr. Rodney Carew, faculty president of the geosciences department at the University of California-Los Angeles. "Konerko's movement is practically unprecedented. In a possible set of 1465 qualifying events, such movement has been recorded only 6 times."

As objects such as Paul Konerko's husky body increase in age and stability, they are even less likely to exhibit such movement, which makes Wednesday's geological event even more significant. An alarming trend could be ensuing, as other notable immobile national features such as Aramis Ramirez, Carlos Lee, and Jim Thome also showed evidence of having moved similar distances recently.

Scientists and policy makers believe there may be cause for concern. "Clearly Konerko's solid frozen quadriceps are thawing by rising global temperatures that is causing a climate change. This shift is then killing the mature roots growing under his feet. This inexplicable 90 foot movement is clearly due to the rapid increase in greenhouse gasses," former Vice President and Senator Al Gore said at a conference for the Earth awareness advocacy group OMGWGTD (Oh My God, We're Going to Die) in New York. "At this rate, your grandchildren will all be moving at the speed of Kenyans by 2045. And there's a good chance that the Earth will catch us ALL stealing," he finished cryptically. "Did you get that? It's a metaphor. It means you're going to boil in your skin and die."

"Wait. What?"

Despite the worries about rising global temperatures and their effect on very slow men, some remain skeptical. "This is a natural part of the Earth's cycle. Global temperatures shift constantly as part of the ebb and flow in various geological periods," reported Zebekiah Manly of the thinktank QAQ (Quit Asking Questions). "There's enough borderline scientific evidence that we made up or exaggerated that suggests that given enough time, Paul Konerko will just naturally return to first base on his own."

Whatever occurred, men who should have witnessed it remain dumbfounded. Angels' Catcher Mike Napoli seemed just confused. "I think I noticed because something in my peripheral vision wasn't blocking the view of sections 120-126 anymore. And then I look up and there's that big goofy grin standing 90 feet away," he reported on the record. "I think the warming ice cap thingie whathaveyou sounds good to me. Otherwise, I have to believe that Paul Konerko stole a base on me. And I mean, geez. That's embarrassing. He's Molina slow."


  1. Props To Gritty for contributing. Good times were had by all, and we were getting paid at the time. That's doing it the right way.

  2. Just wanted to go on record for saying how funny this story is. I like how both the reactive Gore and the head-in-the-sand visionaries are represented. Konerko eventually returning to first was hilarious.

    keep up the great work guys. i'll be back!