Friday, May 16, 2008

Analysis of Nutritional Intake's Impact on Baseball Results

Hank Steinbrenner knows something we here on the radio don't. Actually, Hank knows a lot of things we don't, like what it's like to have discretionary income. And own a yacht. Also, he runs a Major League Baseball team. But most importantly, Hank knows that a team in need of sustenance is going to be able to defeat a nutritionally sound franchise, unless the fatties with adequate food play "smarter and harder."

Hank Steinbrenner: Yankees must play hungrier.

"No question, the Rays are a hungry team," said Steinbrenner, the Yankees' co-chairman. "That's what our team has to get back."

Not pleased with early results from manager Joe Girardi to make the Yankees peckish by taking away junk food from the clubhouse, Steinbrenner's remarks hinted that an involuntary hunger strike may be in order if the Yankees are to sniff the playoffs and steal the division away from their famished southern rivals.

Consider the following:

Average Tampa Bay Rays Player Salary: 1,784,000
Average New York Yankees Player Salary: 8,344,000

Anyone following the fluctuating price of food and transportation knows that it is almost impossible to be adequately nourished on 1.8 million if you live in a space station for a year and have all your food delivered via satellite and have your orbit maintained artificially. Otherwise, I've heard the Tampa cost of living index is pretty good, so that can't be the entire answer.

Is it possible that Hank could just be an obnoxious blowhard in need of constant attention to fulfill some sort of as yet undiscovered insecurity gene passed on from father to son? Absolutely not. The Yankees are clearly overeating.

A basic breakdown of "Satiation vs. Baseball Ability" shows that despite medical evidence to the contrary, muscles and reflexes and concentration improve if food becomes scarce or is denied (citation needed). This could mean the Rays lead is in jeopardy as we head into the warmer summer months, a dangerous minefield of potential nutritional indiscretions known as "picnic season."

It's also been brought to the attention of columnists and fans around the country that many Major League parks are hawking all manner of food items, in every section, at all times. I think we here at Gritty & Clutch(and all sensible thinking persons past, present, and future) agree that this is a significant attempt to undermine the efforts of the warriors of the diamond and distract them from what it means to be an athlete - and how to do things the right way, with heart, and without sustenance.

The Yankees need to humble themselves and draw inspiration from those who have come before. The Yankees rise to real prominence in the 1920s and 1930s coincides almost exactly with the tutelage and struggle for Indian independence from Great Britain by one Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi. And from what this radio host remembers from that one World History class that I attended as a sophomore in high school, Gandhi was hungry a lot. The Yankees can't ignore their role in destiny and the undeniable, non-tenuous connection this makes. Hunger is a part of their past, it must be a part of their future. Gandhi's hunger strike tactics worked so well that he posted a blistering line of .406/.553/.735 in 1941 (editor's note: this may have been Ted Williams).

What's next for these pampered crybabies? Water? You know how when the ground dries out because it hasn't rained in a while, completely free of the needs and weight of the most common substance on the planet, and it becomes airborne and creates a cloud of blue collar pride? Yes, my friends, that is Grit. And Grit with water is just mud. Think about it.

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