Junior: Homers, Speaks English, Doesn't Hate America

Receiving a warm standing ovation from literally hundreds of fans at Dolphin Stadium in Miami, Ken Griffey Jr. has moved into the arbitrary record book by hitting home run number 600.

Griffey was ecstatic to finally achieve a milestone the public had noticed for literally 2 weeks. "You know, the ball doesn't carry very well when it's weighed down with the expectations of millions of steroid weary fans. It really has a tendency to die in right-center."

After the historic milestone, fans everywhere viewing television were entreated to see Griffey speaking English, not hating America, not clubbing baby seals, not selling drugs to kids, not pushing old people down into mud puddles, not sporting an Iron Cross, not holding up convenience stores, not requesting that underage girls urinate on him, and occasionally even smiling.

"This is great," the national hero by virtue of skill at baseball and being likable and close to the same size as he was in his early 20s said. "I feel like I'm on top of the world."

Griffey then pumped his fist in celebration, then clutched his arm in pain as he tore his rotator cuff. He is expected to miss 2-3 months.

Kansas City trades SS Angel Berroa for Half Eaten Candy Bar

The Kansas City Royals pulled off what could be a steal on Saturday, as they traded their former American League Rookie of the Year Shortstop for a partially consumed Snickers bar.

"I was meeting with Ned Colletti via video conference, and it looked like he was done with it," Royals general manager Dayton Moore said. "I asked him if he was interested in maintaining the services of his candy, and he told us we could obtain it for the right price."

"Yeah, I'd had kind of a larger dinner, some Chicken Marsala and parmesean encrusted mashed potatoes, and I think I was more eating it out of stress about how to find more outfielders," Dodgers GM Colletti said. "But don't get me wrong, I could have been hungry later, and I would have been happy to have kept the Snickers in the organization. But Berroa also serves a need, I suppose."

Berroa, a notorious no contact, no power, no discipline, no field shortstop who Hideki Matsui gets teased for losing Rookie of the Year to, was mired in Omaha, Kansas City's Triple A affiliate.

Berroa, left, shows off his ROY-defensive abilities

"Obviously, we had to weigh the pros and cons of the situation," Dayton Moore continued. "In the end, all our scouts and baseball people agreed we would receive more out of the candy bar, I mean, it looked really good. Hardly any debris on it, clean breaks and everything."

To avoid mailing delays, the candy bar was to be delivered in person by the next unlucky person to walk into Ned Colletti's office, which turned out to be shortstop Juan Rivera, who is hitting .217/.250/.304 in Single A.

Benson: 99 Problems but a Job Ain't One

"Now that I'm finally out of a job," Cedric Benson told G&C in a private in-club interview Sunday night, "I can enjoy my drinks without having to worry about trying to please everyone."

One month after getting arrested, abused and pepper-sprayed for allegedly boating while intoxicated and resisting arrest, Cedric Benson had the sound of man relieved to be back in his element.

"The whole thing was just too much, man," Benson lamented while stirring a watered-down Jack&Coke. "The money, the hoes, the cars...it can weigh you down."

"Now I don't have to worry about any of that."